My irregular musings on city life, politics, baseball, roller derby, and whatever happens to be getting my goat today.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

intensive diplomacy

The other day on the way to the gym we were listening to public radio go back and forth about the Iran situation. The announcer said the Administration had no plans to attack yet, and instead was beginning a process of "aggressive diplomacy." It sort of sounded like an oxymoron to me, and made me laugh. Then I wondered if there might actually be hope that Bush could achieve some kind of deal with his even more dumber counterpart in Iran, if only they would put their rock-like heads together somehow.

Here is an outline of such a deal:

* Amedinajad agrees not to nuke anybody.

* Bush agrees to stop calling them "Moo-Lahs"

* Shrub admits that the reason Iran has not been a democracy for the past 50 years is that back when it was a democracy, the CIA overthrew it and installed a repressive monarchy.

* "Crazy A" admits that the "Protocols of the Elders of Zion" is a hoax, and the Holocaust is not.

* "Shrub" apologizes for backing Saddam when he used poison gas against Iranians

* "Crazy A" apologizes for taking the staff of the US Embassy hostage for a year and half back in 1979-81.

* "Shrub" agrees to publicly announce that his foreign policy will not be guided by prophesies of the End Times.

* "Crazy A" agrees to publicly announce that his foreign policy will not be guided by prophesies of the return of the hidden 12th Imam.

* "Shrub agrees to reduce funding to Israel every time the IDF carries out a military operation that kills innocent civilians.

"Crazy A" agrees to reduce funding to Hamas and Islamic Jihad every time they carry out a militant operation that kills innocent civilians.

* Both guys publicly admit that they are on the same side in Iraq and Afghanistan, and have all the same friends in the region, so they're just going to have to get along in public for the sake of the children - er, the Iraqis.

* Both guys privately admit that they're not smart or sane enough to be President, but pledge to do their best not to get anybody else killed for the rest of their terms.

Sounds simple, right? But people assure me it's not - I guess that's why I gave up my dream of working for the State Department so many years ago. Answers are easy - it's the people who are so fucking hard.

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